The Safety of Sadness

Written By Allan Isbell
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For many men I know and work with, myself included, the expression or feeling of sadness was a way of getting the love they wanted as children.

Unfortunately, many of us continue turning to it long after it served its purpose.

π‘†π‘Žπ‘‘π‘›π‘’π‘ π‘  𝑖𝑠 𝑖𝑛 π‘šπ‘Žπ‘›π‘¦ π‘€π‘Žπ‘¦π‘  β€œπ‘ π‘Žπ‘“π‘’π‘Ÿβ€ π‘œπ‘› π‘‘β„Žπ‘’ π‘’π‘šπ‘œπ‘‘π‘–π‘œπ‘›π‘Žπ‘™ 𝑒π‘₯π‘π‘Ÿπ‘’π‘ π‘ π‘–π‘œπ‘› 𝑖𝑛 π‘œπ‘’π‘Ÿ π‘π‘’π‘Ÿπ‘Ÿπ‘’π‘›π‘‘ π‘π‘’π‘™π‘‘π‘’π‘Ÿπ‘’, 𝑏𝑒𝑑 𝑖𝑑 π‘π‘Žπ‘› β„Žπ‘Žπ‘£π‘’ 𝑗𝑒𝑠𝑑 π‘Žπ‘  π‘šπ‘Žπ‘›π‘¦ π‘‘π‘Ÿπ‘Žπ‘π‘  π‘Žπ‘  β€œπ‘™π‘’π‘ π‘  π‘ π‘Žπ‘“π‘’β€ π‘’π‘šπ‘œπ‘‘π‘–π‘œπ‘›π‘  π‘™π‘–π‘˜π‘’ π‘Žπ‘›π‘”π‘’π‘Ÿ.

Instead of standing vulnerable and courageous, belly out and heart open to the world with all its pains and pleasures, our sadness can close us off at the first moment of challenge or upset, covering ourselves in that melancholic and familiar comfort, distancing our heart from reality (and our potential growth).

𝑯𝒂𝒔 𝒔𝒂𝒅𝒏𝒆𝒔𝒔 π’ƒπ’†π’„π’π’Žπ’† π’šπ’π’–π’“ π’”π’†π’„π’–π’“π’Šπ’•π’š π’ƒπ’π’‚π’π’Œπ’†π’•?

I for one have constantly had to work with sadness. I found myself with it over and over again checking in at men’s groups or when communicating with my partner. One day, I finally asked the simple question: β€œπ‘Ύπ’‰π’š?”

Through ongoing practice and support, I discovered that sadness had become my go-to emotion. It allowed me to be shut-down, distanced and disengaged, to live my emotional life without nuance.

So I began untangling sadness from story. I practiced relaxing my body into and around the physical sensations of sadness, being with them instead of feeding them with my mind while ignoring them with my body.

Then with care and compassion, I asked:

What purpose is my sadness serving?

What is it wanting to communicate or express?

Where is it blocking me from the next stage of maturity, depth, and insight?

If this resonates with you, start a dialogue with your own sadness.

Allow your body to release & feel any pent-up emotions while you lovingly hold them within the strong container of your consciousness.

𝐼𝑑’𝑠 π‘‘π‘–π‘šπ‘’ π‘‘π‘œ 𝑓𝑒𝑒𝑙 π‘€β„Žπ‘Žπ‘‘ π‘‘β„Žπ‘’π‘Ÿπ‘’ 𝑖𝑠 π‘‘π‘œ 𝑏𝑒 𝑓𝑒𝑙𝑑 π‘Žπ‘›π‘‘ π‘‘π‘Ÿπ‘’π‘ π‘‘ 𝑖𝑛 π‘ π‘œπ‘šπ‘’π‘‘β„Žπ‘–π‘›π‘” π‘”π‘Ÿπ‘’π‘Žπ‘‘π‘’π‘Ÿ. 𝐴𝑛𝑑 π‘Žπ‘  π‘¦π‘œπ‘’ π‘šπ‘œπ‘£π‘’ π‘‘β„Žπ‘Ÿπ‘œπ‘’π‘”β„Ž π‘‘β„Žπ‘–π‘  π‘π‘Ÿπ‘œπ‘π‘’π‘ π‘ , π‘˜π‘›π‘œπ‘€ π‘¦π‘œπ‘’β€™π‘Ÿπ‘’ π‘›π‘œπ‘‘ π‘Žπ‘™π‘œπ‘›π‘’.

Allan Isbell
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